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Apparently I a bisexual mom
Over time, I have seen that you are usually a powerful defender of marriage, particularly when children are involved. I appreciate this, and generally agree.
However i possess a sort of, well, weird and embarrassing and difficult question, regarding my marriage. I sure your readers would probably think this really is fake.
I a mid-30s woman, married six years for an absolutely wonderful man. He is kind and funny and smart and, typically, we get along. (Of course, we have our faults and idiosyncrasies, but I think we all do a decent job overlooking them in one another and controlling them in ourselves.) We now have two young kids, ages 5 and 6. Our love life is unspectacular, but I knew that before I married him there have been certainly men who did more for me in that way, in my wild life, before I been feeling relaxed and got married. Still, we obtain along in that way, pretty much.
And yes,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I had been wild during my (ahem) youth. I slept around a bit,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], did several drugs, definitely drank too much tequila, etc. My hubby knows my history, both my substance issues and my sexual exploits. Those exploits do incorporate a 10-year friendship with a woman who was, from time to time, in a variety of stages of drunkenness, something more than a friend. By this I mean: On two occasions, we had sexual encounters together nothing serious, nothing that happened again the next day,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and, truthfully, nothing that I remember with much clarity because of wine consumption. During those years, there have been other I'd on various women,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], none of which ever came to anything.
My hubby is not some of those men that has any particular pornographic fantasies about two women together. Despite knowing of my relationship with this woman (who had been also a good and dear friend, then and today, although she has since moved across the country), he's never suggested a and when he did, I would smack him. In my opinion in marriage. I love being married. I love my hubby, and respect him.
So, despite my kind of wild sleep-around past,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I been entirely faithful to my hubby, forever in body, although periodically I sin during my thoughts, as I sure he does, as I sure we all do. My problem: I only sin in my thoughts around women.
That is to say, I find myself from time to time, and in particular recently insatiably attracted to women. And, I've found myself really unhappy that despite all kinds of sexual adventures in my past, I never did inside a sober, mature, rational way explore the side of me that is very definitely bisexual. Recently i spent each day (work-related) with a woman who absolutely made my skin tingle to be near her. She is gay. She certainly never made any advance, as I do not at all present myself to be anything other than a heterosexual, married-with-kids woman. But I could hardly think straight the whole day. If she had offered, I truly don understand what I'd did. I find myself wishing I possibly could call her. Just to chat, you realize.
So, yes, obviously it might be cheating if I made it happen. Obviously. But is it different having a woman? I inclined to consider not. My kids deserve a stable home and my marriage really is good. So what will i do with one of these vague longings that have no outlet, even in memory?
Apparently I Definitely a Bisexual Mom
Dear Apparently Definitely Bisexual,
I'm afraid which i don't have a very good answer for you personally, however i is going to do my best. Deeply idealistic people might, with the best of intentions, suggest you create an arrangement to fulfill these desires and fantasies. And maybe you are able to, within your unique circumstances. Whatever you decide to complete, it is certainly not really a question of 1 pat answer.
That, obviously, would be an oversimplification,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but so oh, damn, I smell burning rubber! No,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], seriously, I had this little electric heater on and it was cooking my running sneakers!
Am I serious enough that will help you arrived at grips with your bisexuality, if I can barely keep my running sneakers from catching fire? This troubles me though it is thematically appropriate: We face the things that are before us whatever they are! Even if they are burning running sneakers!
Anyway, I would certainly bore both of us silly if I simply said, visit a therapist. Just what therapist going to do? Help you look at more clearly what you know that you're attracted to women but you married already?
At the same time, a therapist who is proficient at problem solving and that has some personal experience in this area may be able to assist you to. And visualizing a possible future can also be useful. Looking toward the near future, perhaps you could keep your marriage together but, with time, with the right woman, settle into a discreet, middle-class, longtime attachment with benefits. What about a person will come along who gets where you coming from and won be too demanding and will allow you to go through the things you so fervently need to experience, and perhaps you will be able to handle this day-to-day, and perhaps your husband will sort of know and kind of accept it, and perhaps he will even openly and concretely and fully accept it, and perhaps within the haze in our humanity, where it merges into the mystery of identity and biology and fate, maybe for the reason that hazy gray area where a lot of our identity seems to fall,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you can find some provisional peace and joy. Perhaps without too much lying and hiding but also without too much open conflict, without too much clich but also without too much dishonesty with self yet others, without an excessive amount of gnashing of teeth and difficulty sleeping, without too much interfering within the lives of others and making unfulfillable offers to people who want you to change your life completely, without an excessive amount of guilt and too much shame and too much recrimination for past mistakes, without a lot of urgent late-night inquiries directed at gods and goddesses unknown, you can accommodate this facet of yourself, that is, such as the rest of you, sacred, as we take ourselves to become sacred whatsoever, if you don't take ourselves too seriously. And maybe along the way, it will become clear that your marriage to this man cannot last. But let go one step at any given time.
I only say this because, you realize,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], this is the complex territory of compromise that your desires are leading you.
This is actually the ethical and moral condition in a nutshell, when i, an amateur,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], view it. We are not completely accountable for the longings that arise in us, nor are the majority of us in a position to know them completely. For all those of us who have time to complete a great deal of reading, talking and introspection, such as the upper classes who are not required to work for a full time income, as well as for those of us who can pay for the expensive attentions of highly trained and compassionate professionals,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], the intricate patterns of desire that shape our sexuality might with time become sufficiently clear that we could take responsibility on their behalf. And we might then also provide the time to deal with the consequences of accepting them and seeking to reside by them. But exactly how can the majority of us, who barely have enough time to complete the chores that keep us fed before we fall exhausted into bed, how can we take responsibility and act ethically and morally and meet our very own desires whenever we cannot even make out the print where those desires come from or where they might lead? Is it right, then, for all those of us who are not rich enough to afford ample time for deep introspection and expensive analysis, to simply turn off any feelings that appear to threaten our status quo? That doesn seem right. But could it be to disrupt others lives by disclosing previously unknown or repressed or unacknowledged drives that now threaten to cause fundamental changes in our living arrangements? That doesn sound right either.
So this is a difficult question also it seems to demand difficult compromise. Surely whenever we set out in life we do not know everything about who we're; we meet stark surprises along the way: Guess what, I bisexual! Or: You know what! It turns out I actually a woman in a man body!
There's some support available if you look for it, and that i do claim that you get in touch with other people who have been through what you are going through.
If you're within the Boston area, for instance, you might take advantage of contacting Biversity Boston. As well as in Philadelphia, you might contact Lavender Visions, and consider reading Joanne Fleisher book Two Lives: Married to some Man as well as in Love With a Woman. An excerpt from the introduction seems apropos: you're a married woman discovering your attraction to women, Fleisher writes, are probably confused, upset, and excited all simultaneously. You are not alone. I traveled this path, and so have the many women who have contacted me through my therapy practice and also the Internet.
I do not know too much, frankly, about the support readily available for married bisexual women, with the exception that it's available should you look for it. I know this, though: True self-knowledge comes slowly. The facts are often buried. It can take months or years to undo our habit of pretending that people are not really what we increasingly appear to be, that we do not really want what it's increasingly clear that we do want, however surprising or disruptive our desire might be. ( what, Dear! It's now clear as day in my experience: My life I've really wanted to become an entomologist! Time passes slowly, once we undo layer after layer of habitual something other than what it's, once we begin to learn new habits of facing the way in which situations are. We're complex creatures!
I will say,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], having a note of optimism, that you could show great courage and dignity in squarely facing yourself as you are, in accepting the fact that even if you not get everything you want, you don't have to kid yourself by what it is that you want.
That, it might seem,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], is a step you'll have taken: This really is who I am. This is exactly what I'd like.
Whether,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and just how,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you are trying to have it, well, thatrrrs the true question that now lies before you. I hope you will find ongoing help, support and comfort while you wrestle with this one.
What? You would like more? Find out more Cary Tennis in the Since You Asked directory. See what other medication is saying and/or join the conversation within the Table Talk forum. Ask for advice or create a comment to Cary Tennis. Send a letter to Salon editors not for publication.
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